Christmas Once Again
by siberian
Summary: Ran reflects on one lonely Christmas Eve...


:: Christmas Once Again ::

I stand in front of the window in my room, staring at the world outside. The snow is falling, down, down onto the empty street in this middle of the night. It has been snowing quite hard in Tokyo for some days now, which covers the city with a thick, endless white blanket.

The spirit is there. I can see the Christmas decoration wherever I look…the mistletoe, the Christmas tree. Distantly I can hear the Christmas carols being played, wafting in the air. 

I know I am supposed to feel happy. Christmas Eve is the time where people feel warm, loved and happy. But I can't feel that. All I can feel right now is just emptiness and sadness.

I stare at the glass of champagne in my hand. It's golden under the light, and I stare at my reflection there. In time like this… in time like this, I will myself to relive the memories of the Christmas Eves I have had before; times when I could feel the love, the peace, the warmth, the happiness. Times when, despite my sinful life as an assassin, I felt safe, loved and happy.

And as the memories overcome me, I will myself to drown in those endless peals of laughter, in the depth of those soft, mesmerizing, brown eyes. Will myself to be lost in the rich memories of that expressive boyish face, of the loving words and warm, sunny smiles he always threw my way, of his embrace, of his warm, willing body… of his love.

But all the warmth I start to feel is forcefully wrenched away by the agonizing memory of last year's bloody Christmas. 

The lone time like this always bring back the memories. No matter how much I want to forget, I can't. No matter how much I want the memories to go away, at the end they always come back. They keep haunting me, refusing to leave me alone. They laugh, happily watching over my suffering.

I press my forehead to the frozen window glass, hoping that the coldness of the window can distract me from the haunting memories. I shut my eyes tightly; trying to block the pain the memories bring, as I feel a single word slips out of my lips.

"Ken…"

~ Christmas Eve One Year Earlier ~

BANG!!! BANG!!!

I watch in horror as Ken's smiling face turns into a surprised one, then into an expression of excruciating pain. It is so unexpected that the rest of us can only watch as two bullets make their way through Ken's body.

Yohji is the first to regain his awareness, reacting fast enough to catch Ken in his fall. I can't move. I stand paralyzed, frozen on my spot as I hear Yohji and Omi calling out his name. 

Blood spouts from his wounded flesh, splattering to the floor, onto Yohji's hand and black jacket, painting them a vivid shade of red.

And I'm seeing red. I lose control of myself. I feel my blood boil in my veins as I draw in ragged breath.

"Ken!!"

Yohji's panicked voice throws me back into reality. Behind Yohji's back I see a man, a dying man, sprawled on the floor. One of his hands steadily holds a gun. 

Growling in rage, I run to the man, and stab him with my katana, over and over again like a lunatic. I think about nothing but slicing him to pieces when Omi distracts me.

"Aya-kun… Ken-kun…"

I quickly stride to them and kneel beside Ken's listless body. I begin to fire off instructions. "Yohji, locate the nearest hospital and bring the car around here quick! Omi, finish the data, we've got to bring Ken to the hospital as soon as possible!"

"Ha…hai, Aya-kun!" Omi nods as he scatters back to finish his work. Yohji runs to where we have parked the car.

And that leaves me with Ken. I stare at him as he struggles to breathe. "Ken…" I call out.

"Yeah…Aya…?" he croaks. His attempt to speak is soon rewarded with a bolt of pain that I can see rippling across his face. 

"Ken… don't speak," I know it sounds silly. After all, I call him for him to answer me, and now that he answers, I don't want him to speak. "You're hurt badly. Yohji is getting the car right now; we'll bring you to the hospital as soon as possible."

He gives a small nod and closes his eyes, trying to relax. His hand moves, searching for mine and I quickly hold it in my hand. 

"I'm sorry…Aya," he whispers hoarsely after a moment of silence. "I should've… I didn't… know that the man was still alive…"

"It's not your fault, Ken…"

"I know, but still…"

He coughs and blood spurts from his mouth. "Don't talk anymore, Ken," I say frantically as I feel coldness creeping up my body. "Don't talk. You don't have the energy. You can talk later, after the doctors have taken care of you".

"But…maybe there isn't…" he gasps for air. "Maybe there isn't… enough time, Aya…"

God, if You hear me now, please don't let him die. Please, please let my bad feeling be wrong. I don't want to lose my loved ones anymore. Not now, not *ever*.

"It's Christmas Eve…huh?" he eyes me, large eyes penetrating themselves into mine. "Sad to tell ya…but… I haven't bought a Christmas present for you…"

"Ken!!"

"For…give me?"

"Aa… I don't want any present, Ken. I don't want ** *anything***… I just want you!"

He's not going to die, is he, God? Please don't take him too like You took my family. He is my precious thing, my only treasure… please… please let him stay.

An appreciative smile forms on his blood-covered lips and he closes his eyes… again, longer this time. Much, much longer that has it not been because the sound of his ragged breath, I would think him dead.

Omi runs towards us, bringing his laptop, his eyes bright with worry. "Aya-kun…how is Ken-kun??"

Ken coughed up blood again, eliciting a panicked shriek from Omi.

Goddamit, where is Yohji?? He's taking too long!

Ken opens up his eyes and I stare deep into them. Cloudy eyes, and almost empty, as if the life is seeping slowly out of him. I feel his hand clutches the sleeves of my trench coat tightly.

"A..ya.."

"Ken…Ken, hang on! You won't die on me now, Ken! I won't let you!!". Unconsciously, tears sting in my eyes.

"Yohji-kun's coming!" Omi says, pointing at the car that's speeding towards us.

"Hang on, Ken, we will bring you to the hospital," I sneak my arms under his body and lift him off the ground. He hisses in pain in response and I wince. What else can I do? "Omi, get my katana!"

Omi scrambles over and picks my katana and as soon as Yohji stops in front of us, he holds out the door and I, still cradling Ken in my arms, take the back seat. I quickly lay him on the seat as I kneel beside him. 

Yohji slams the accelerator and the car speeds away.

He is bathing in cold sweats now. I know he is trying hard to hold back his pain. "Ken," I bring my face closer to his. "Can you hear me?". So, so close that if I shift a little my lips will touch his. 

"Hn…" he grunts. Then I feel his hand gripping the front of my coat tightly and he shuts his eyes in a vain attempt to block the pain. "Uhh…"

Is he… is he going to die…? This soon…?

"Ken, you are going to be okay," I say in what I hope as a shooting voice, trying to reassure myself more than to reassure him. "You are not going to die, you hear me?"

His eyes flutter open and he stares at me, deeply. 

Don't let him die… oh God, please… I'd do anything, just don't take him away from me…

"You are going to be okay, Ken…"

He doesn't reacts as his eyes searches mine. And after a quick moment, he smiles, looking at me lovingly yet sadly. He puts one of his gloved hands on my cheek.

"Liar…" he whispers, smiling. "You are a bad liar, Aya… Have… I told you…that?"

I choke back a sob. No, I won't cry now… that will just make him even sadder. It will make me look as if I have no faith in him to survive. But somehow, I can't stop that one, lone tear that slips off my eye, traveling down my cheek, before finally fall and lands on his cheek. 

He winces, then panting, struggling to breathe, he struggles to hold on to his lifeline.

"Ken!!"

"I love you, Aya," he whispers hoarsely and I can sense tears in his voice. "You … know that,… right?".

I can't find my voice to answer him. Instead, I do what my instincts tell me to. I kiss him softly, warmly. And when I feel him responding, I'm sure I'm going to break very soon.

In that one, single kiss, everything that has happened between him and me since we met flashes before my eyes. When we brawled on our first meeting, when he continuously told me to be more human towards the others, when he smiled at me, when he laughed, when he kissed me… when he told me that he loved me… when we made love…

Oh, God, how I wish for the time to stop right there and then. How I wish for this moment to last forever. How I wish there was something I could do to make him stay. Because I don't want to lose him. He is my everything… what will I do once he's gone?

Suddenly I feel him stop responding. With fear creeping up my very soul, I let go of the kiss and look at him. His eyes are closed. He isn't moving. Only a quiet, slow, short ragged breath to ensure me that he is still alive.

"Ken…" I call out, shaking him. "Ken!!!"

But he doesn't react. He lays there, oblivious to my pain. I notice there are tears streaking his cheeks. 

"Ken, open your eyes, dammit!!"

Suddenly, the car shudders to a halt. "We're here." Yohji's quiet voice announces. Then, out of nowhere, the paramedics show up, opening the door and pulling me out. They proceed to move Ken's prone body, quickly but carefully.

He is soon brought into the ER and no matter how hard I insist and argue, they won't let me in to accompany him. He is taken away from me, and with the closing of the door, I feel like he's been taken away from my life. 

The time crawls slowly, torturing me with the growing need to know how Ken's doing. Yohji has brought us coffee, but I barely touch mine. I don't want anything right now; I just want Ken. Him and him alone.

After what seems like an eternity, the door opens. A grim looking doctor with blood splattered across his white coat comes to us. He doesn't say anything; he just stares at us. And in his eyes, I get my answer. 

But it is when he actually says the truth that I start to feel myself breaking into pieces.

"I'm sorry… but we can't save your friend. The wounds were too bad; there was nothing we could do. He died one minute ago".

He asks us whether or not we want to see Ken and I nod weakly. 

He lays there, on the examine bed, his eyes closed and his face peaceful. It is as if he was sleeping. And oh, how much I want to believe that tomorrow, by Christmas Day, he would wake up.

I brush the soft, silky strands off his face, and then as I stare at him, I hold his hand. It's cold, not warm like it was an hour ago. Cold, without any life. Cold, dead. 

The last shred of self-control breaks and I fall on my knees, still holding his hand to my face, tears streaming freely out of my eyes.

__

I love you, Aya. You know that, right?

Outside, the snow falls.

And the church bells ring twelve.

And an assassin weeps.

~Christmas Eve, Present ~

I stare outside as the snow keeps falling and the Christmas songs lull the world. 

I touch my glass to the window, eliciting a small, sharp clinking noise. It should sound cheerful, the clinging voice… it really should. But what's heard is only a sad, lonely clink in this middle of emptiness.

I just wish he were here to cheer up the situation. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have him once again. To hear his laugh, to see his smile, to *have* him all over again…

__

I love you, Aya. You know that, right?

I know, Ken… I know… and I love you too, so very much…

In the distance, the church bells start to ring again. One… to twelve…and Christmas is coming.

__

It's Christmas once again, Ken…

Once again, without you…

~Owari^^~


End file.
